Liberty names shocking new president

LYNCHBURG, VA - In a shocking turn of events, Liberty University has named Rosie O'Donnell as the school's second president.

After the recent death of the school's founder, Jerry Falwell, there was much speculation about who his successor would be. Names such as Jerry Falwell, Jr., Ergun Caner, James Dobson, and even Bill O'Reilly were mentioned. Apparently Rosie was not even on most people's radar screen.

However, Rosie announced on Friday that she had appeared for the final time on "The View." Almost everyone thought she was leaving due to her recent cat fight on the show over her belief that our troops in Iraq are terrorists. In O'Donnell's statement about leaving "The View," she wanted to set things straight. According to Rosie, she has not singled out our troops as being terrorists. "All Americans are terrorists!" she responded.

Only later, however, did she indicate the real reason why she is leaving TV. "When Liberty contacted me," she said, "it was just too good to pass up. I am so grateful to Liberty for its tolerance of the fact that I do not even have a college diploma. What a great opportunity it will be to positively impact the lives of so many young people. I can see a few changes coming in Lynchburg."

When asked what changes Rosie has in mind, she gave no specifics. However, the presence of both Elton John and Richard Simmons on the platform behind her gave some clue of what is coming.

Ergun Caner, head of the seminary at Liberty, was asked for his reaction to the situation. "Well," said Caner, "at least she's not a Muslim or a Calvinist."