Monday, May 28, 2007

Billy Graham falls to knees, admits, "Calvinists were right all along!"

CHARLOTTE, NC - On Sunday May 27th, while speaking to Wesley Avenue Baptist Church in Charlotte, Billy Graham fell to his knees. His followers were afraid that the end had finally come for the frail evangelist. Was Mr. Graham going to meet his Lord?

The answer was a shock to those in the crowd. Mr. Graham was not dying, but rather admitting to something that has rocked the Southern Baptist world. Mr. Graham reportedly cried out, "Calvinists were right all along!" (Notice that in the above picture, taken just before Mr. Graham's collapse to his knees, he was trying to show the audience that he believes in all 5 points of Calvinism - note all 5 fingers.) At the time, he gave no explanation for his statement because he was crying uncontrollably. Franklin Graham replaced his father in the pulpit as Will Graham III helped his grandfather out of the church auditorium. Franklin Graham went on to preach that II Peter 3:9 shows that general atonement is true.

Later that day, Billy Graham released a statement to the press. The statement reads in full, "This year I decided to sit down and read the bible from Genesis to Revelation. With my busy schedule, I had never done that before. I committed two hours each day to just reading scripture (KJV of course). I was able to complete the entire bible in about two months. What I found shocked me."

Mr. Graham went on, "God's sovereignty is everywhere in the Bible! Now that I have read the entire bible, I can see it so clearly. I always believed in the 'T' and 'P' of the Calvinist's 'TULIP,' but I rejected 'ULI.' Now I can see that the Doctrines of Grace are true. The books of John, Romans, and Ephesians in particular cleared so much up for me. God has chosen those who will be saved. His atonement is obviously only for those who are redeemed (General Atonement no longer makes any sense to me). His magnificent grace is irresistible! Why would anyone want to resist it?"

Franklin Graham is reported to be deeply upset about his father's change of mind regarding Calvinism. According to insider information, Franklin will soon be ordering both Calvinix and Net Finney 2 for his father.

Frank Page, current president of the Southern Baptist Convention and author of "Trouble with the TULIP," said on Monday, "I don't know what we Baptists are going to do now. Billy Graham had determined our theology for so long. What now? I can sense a storm brewing at this summer's convention."


Malachi_Abaddon said...

Remember that letter to the editor a couple days ago about net Finney???

I'm just saying that maybe Franklin had some inside info, and is only acting now that it's come to public eye.


Religion Roundtable said...


Good thinking! We'll have to keep our eyes on him to see what he does next.