Vatican declares second trinity

ROME, ITALY - During a special mass at the Vatican on Sunday, Pope Benedict XVI informed the world that the Roman Catholic Church has declared a second trinity.

Pope Benedict said, "The Catholic Church aims to meet the needs of the current world. We believe that the 1 billion Catholics need a trinity they can relate to. The original trinity seems very far off an incomprehensible to many of the young within our flock. They want to be able to understand the gods they are worshiping."

The Pope went on to reassure everyone that the existence of the second trinity in no way endangers the first trinity. "Don't worry. The Father, Son, and Spirit still exist."

So, the big question at St. Peter's Basilica was: Who makes up the new trinity? Pope Benedict quickly answered. "The Cardinals and I looked back over church history and chose the three people we thought were most deserving of this honor. Some who almost made the cut were St. Peter, St. Paul, Pope Gregory the Great, Mother Theresa, and John F. Kennedy. However, we believe that the three we chose are the most appropriate based on what they have done for Catholics all around the world."

The three members of the new trinity are Mary (the Mother Goddess), John-Paul II (the Pope), and Mel Gibson (the actor). Older members of the Catholic faith are reportedly pleased with the choices of Mary and John-Paul II. However, the selection of Gibson has raised some eyebrows - after all, he is still alive.

In responding to this criticism, Pope Benedict said, "Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ has done more for the Catholic faith than anything else since the Council of Trent. Our young believers have demanded someone they can relate to. We believe Mel's resume and looks will bring even more people into the faith."

The Vatican will soon be releasing a list of approved movies it is encouraging believers to watch. These include The Passion, Braveheart, The Patriot, and What Women Want. However, the Mad Max and Lethal Weapon films were not included because, according to Pope Benedict, "They just stink."